waiting room: thoughts on old friendships
sometime last year, maybe between september and october, my mom told me a family friend of ours died. i hadn't talked to them in years, not since my friendship with his children faded into the blur of 2016. i thought the wake would be awkward, having to see people i no longer talked to despite having shared the world with them in the past, but it wasn't that bad. perhaps it was the grief talking, or perhaps we have simply grown from it. either way, i wrote about it and want to share it with you all.
an old friend’s dad is in a coma.
we don’t talk anymore. haven’t talked in years, really. a person who used to be someone i talked to and leaned on for everything is now nothing but a stranger. how funny to think that i used to swear i could never live without them. look at me—i’m just fine now. i don’t think about them as much as i used to; don’t dwindle on our friendship that fizzled out when we were 16 and 17.
i was just talking about their dad a few weeks ago, with my own dad. we talked about his new tiktok account gaining traction and how it looks like things are going well for their family.
then, out of nowhere, at ten in the evening on a random thursday, my mom told me the news. it’s harrowing and surreal.
it’s crazy, because he was just fine two days ago—posting his content and videos like usual. i watched them whenever they were on my feed.
how fickle human lives are.
my old friend’s dad died while i was ruminating over this piece.
i went to his wake. he was cremated. i searched for a casket and a body, but all i was met with was a grey urn in the middle of a garden assortment of flowers. how strange, i thought, that a man with such a big personality has been reduced to ashes that fit in a medium-sized urn. my old friend hugged me tight thrice that night. we were teenagers with the emotional capacity of the cap of a water bottle back when we stopped talking. we’re older now, so i guess it’s all water under the bridge. i think. i don’t know. But the hug was warm and tight, and brought me back to 2016 for the shortest of whiles.
hi, hello. i’m sorry about your loss. // hi, i’m glad you’re here. i love your tattoos.
i didn’t know how to feel that night, sitting with my dad’s old friends and mingling amongst mine. their ex was there too, standing in the far corner of the room. it was a lively night, full of laughter despite the tragedy that hung heavy in the air.
in the end, my old friend and i parted ways without a rekindled friendship. that’s fine, i think.
my dad talked about it too, how he couldn’t relate to his friends anymore—how he felt like a stranger standing amongst friends he used to get along with so well. it got me thinking about how some people are meant to stay in your lives and some just aren’t. we outgrow people the same way we outgrow our clothes and there’s nothing bad about it. maybe it’ll hurt sometimes and maybe we wish we never did. that’s fine too, maybe.
an old friend’s dad died a few weeks ago. it was jarring and surreal, and a little strange.
i met an old friend again after seven odd years. i hugged them tight, unsure what to say.
a few weeks ago, i think i finally closed a chapter in my life that i left unfinished. it wasn’t nearly as pleasant as i thought it would be.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
there were many mixed feelings that night. i had to think about my friendship with my old friend; what went wrong and what would have changed if we were still friends. then i thought about how i might not have met my current friends had our friendship not ended, and then i thought that things were fine the way they were because my current friends are so, so special to me and i love them endlessly.
we spent 3 wonderful years together and they were beautiful, regardless of how things turned out. my love and time were not wasted just because we drifted apart. the time we spent together still shimmers in the murky waters of junior high and perhaps it is fine if they simply stayed that way.
anyways - a song for you.