delicious in dungeon, ryoko kui

i reread dungeon meshi this year and i’ve realised one thing.

in life, i play this character that has little to no desire for material things, gloating about how i save more than i spend, and relishing in the little financial literacy i have thanks to my parents and having studied financial literacy courses in high school and college.

but the truth is, i am not that character. i bite my cheek instead of spending because my dad is tight fisted with money—though he has no need to be, so my view on how i spend my own money is skewed. i hunger for so much that’s both out of and within reach; want for things so deeply, i am blinded with insanity. i hoard my gold and put off buying things i like and then grow jealous of people who have what i want.

i would be a prime target for the winged lion in dungeon meshi¹, even if it was in a room full of people—a room with me and my friends. he’d love me and my rotten heart.

there’s a festering, ugly little monster in me that feeds on my jealousy.

why can’t i travel as much as others?

why am i not pretty?

why are my parents always on opposing ends of a spectrum?

why is my skin not soft and smooth?

why is my sense of fashion dogshit? even if it isn’t, why do i never have nice enough things?

WHY

WHY

WHY

then i pick myself off the floor like a rusty toy and don the mask of a character who wants nothing, but at the same time hungers for everything.

i’m content with just having my books.

i’m content with my family life.

i’m content with myself.

i’m content with the life i am living.

and then i go about my days, mediocre and seemingly normal, the creature only growing and feeding on my blackened core by the day.

if i died now, i would die bitter and angry. i would turn into a wailing ghost who haunts an innocent person every year during ghost month.

no amount of offerings will ever satiate me.

if the winged lion offered me the world, i would happily take it and consume it whole. and then perhaps, in my greed and insatiable appetite, i would devour that darned demon after eating the world as one would an apple.

maybe, when the whole tirade is over, i would be left as nothing but a husk of my former self, the same way mithrun was when his affair with the demon was over.

only then will i ever be able to become the Benevolent Character with No Desires that i mascarade in my daily life. only then will i perhaps be satisfied.

alas, the winged lion does not exist in reality, and i’m not brave enough to summon the devil and strike a deal with him (eternal damnation in a pit of flames is a horrendous thought. too hot, too noisy, too bloody. i’ll never be able to look good in hell), so i have to play this character with care for the rest of my life.

in the logic of the bible, the genealogy of man is linked to adam and eve. on days where anger and envy overtake me, i curse the two for having eaten the forbidden fruit. had they not, perhaps i would have never known of a hunger so insatiable and wrath so inconsolable.

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚

i do love my parents and i have a good relationship with them, but sometimes i wonder what it’d be like had i not been raised by an angry father with a heavy hand and a mother with a sharp tongue and enough envy to fill a room.

i hope this feeling goes away soon. i don’t need another reason to hate myself. the list is never ending.

as always, a song for those who like to listen.

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

1. in ryoko kui's delicious in dungeon, the winged lion is the canon-current form of a demon who will grant your wishes under the pretext of a master-servant relationship, but with every wish it grants, it eats a desire. eventually, it will consume all of your desires—even that of living. you are left with nothing but your corporeal body.↩