i have returned to my roots: an unending downward spiral of hatred and the urge to bash my head into a wall.

it was good for a few months, i think. i liked the illusion of being normal and self love to the point where i felt like i was finally at peace with myself.

today, all of that changed.

food tastes like sand in my mouth again, i don’t want to do anything but sleep, the mirror distorts my image and shows me the monster within, my writing reads like a toddler’s ramblings. it’s all just terrible in the land of misha.

not even a haircut could save me (the looks of disappointment my mom and aunt threw my way when i told our stylist to cut off all my hair again scratch at an open and festering wound).

i asked my dad if i was fat and ugly.

he asked me if i was happy.

i said yes. i like eating.

that’s all that matters then isn’t it? it’s miserable to maintain a well toned body. we’re all going to gain weight anyways, so you might as well have fun with your food. he says.

after our conversation, i ate a cup of rice, half of a roasted chicken breast, and four slices of grilled pork belly. breakfast was two slices of what bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

today, i ate all three of my meals and a snack. i wouldn’t have dared to eat this much when i was 19, living off one and a half meals a day and twenty-four ounces of coffee. my 16 year old self would have forced herself to throw up almost immediately after eating.

then i took a three hour nap and i thought i’d feel better after waking up.

i did not. i woke up thirsty and upset, as though a bandaid had been ripped off on a wound that isn’t quite healed yet.

so i guess i’m back here at the spot where i refuse to look at myself in the mirror, where all my clothes feel like flaming hot garbage, where my writing is even worse than usual—unworthy of being read or publicised; unworthy of even being written. i’m back to what comes after rock bottom, digging myself into an even deeper grave of self loathing.

i’ll push all my friends away again and hole myself up in my room, doing nothing but sleeping and staring at the wall to pass the time.

i hate myself, but that’s nothing really new.

i’ve just returned to my roots.

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚

a song, as always.

if you enjoy the music that i share, i've added an & music..! button on my nav bar that should lead to a playlist that contains all the songs i've listed at the end of my posts.

i might disappear for a while, but thank you as always. bye.