falling in love with baking again
in 2019, a year after my childhood nanny left to get married and the year i started college, i began to hole up in my kitchen to cook and bake. it wasn’t much. i couldn’t perform the magic my grandma would whenever she took charge of the kitchen, cooking up meals that i wholeheartedly enjoyed.
one of the things i do best is a chocolate chip cookie. i’ve never been to new york, but my godfather who has told me it tasted like the one from levain bakery. high praise, i believe, since i see many copycat recipes online. eventually, i made a mini business out of my cookies for a while. i baked during my free time and shipped them out as soon as they cooled down and were ready to go.
in 2021 my grandmothers died. my a-ma first, then my grandma, then my grand aunt. i talk about their passing a lot. if you go through my blog, it’s probably all i talk about. i never really realised how much unsaid grief i had until i started writing this blog.
i couldn’t bake after their deaths. i got a kitchenaid stand mixer for christmas that year from my mom, but i just couldn’t use it as much as she wanted me to. every time i tried, i messed up. every time i was in the kitchen, i felt like crying. i had baked for them, after all.
butter cookies for my a-ma, chocolate chip cookies and banana bread for my grandma, and cookies for my grand aunt.
i fell out of love with baking. the stand mixer my mom got me collected dust until i baked again. other things, this time. lemon bars, mostly.
last year for our friend group’s christmas party, i baked for the first time in what felt like ages. it wasn’t that bad. i didn’t cry anymore, but i messed up terribly the first time around. i wanted to give up. i told my mom to throw the botched batch away, but she gave them to the construction workers next door and told them i didn’t want them because it was a bad match.
she messed up? if she messes up again, we want it! this is so good, ma’am! dunno how these could be a failed batch.
in january of this year, i made gabby and camille cookies for their birthdays. in february, i baked cookies for potluck during our birding group’s trip to the mountains. in march, i baked another batch for a family friend and his son.
sometime in the middle of this year, our friend tala posted her focaccia recipe. i tried my hand at it, it was simple enough, plus i was trying to save money after dropping ₱20,0001 on stray kids tickets.
i fell in love.
i started making it as often as i can, with my own additions this time. gochujang added to the dough, roasted garlic on top, sprinkled with parmesan, drizzled with honey. i even made it for this year’s christmas potluck.
i baked lemon and blueberry loaves too, after getting the recipe from my aunt. i made some for the house and gave them to my friends as gifts.
today i baked cookies again.
i still messed up. my food scale broke and i eyeballed the butter. i think i added between 20-30 grams extra, but it’s alright.
i wasn’t stressed or sad anymore.
i just baked like i always do, with jazz in the background as i fell back into the routine of cubing up cold butter, measuring sugar and flour, chopping up chocolate, and laying out my silicone baking mat.
last night, i even texted gabby that i felt like cooking more things again, after years of inactivity in the kitchen; years of making the same old curry and miso soup.
grief is a strange thing. for the longest time, the kitchen felt like a desolate place. the soft flour i’d bought for baking felt like a burden to use. the stand mixer felt like a painful reminder. the butter in my fridge, the sugar in my pantry—each time i stepped into the kitchen, i felt so sad.
now, on a random friday afternoon, i stand in the kitchen, that strange grief suddenly absent.
what is grief, if not love persevering?
i will probably still tear up when i think about my grandmothers; still sit in my grandma’s room when i feel down, still think about my a-ma when i think about my future, still reminisce about my grand aunt during the feast of st. lucy. but today, at least, i can be in the kitchen and use my stand mixer without crying.
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happy christmas eve, everyone! it’s been a long time since i last showed my face around here. i hope everyone’s still doing well.
a song as always.
i wrote this last friday. today, i baked a lemon, cranberry, & walnut loaf for our noche buena2. we have our usual spread: spaghetti, hot chocolate, and ham.
there’s so much to say, but i can’t seem to find all the right words at the moment.
i hope i get to bake and write more next year.
thank you for coming to read my little old blog. happy holidays!
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