button
recently the house has been feeling too big again and my buttons keep falling off and there is no one in your room.
i miss my grandma. i am only 24. i still need her to hold my hand and tell me she's so proud of who i've become. so here's a little piece i made a while back.
the button of my favourite blouse fell off today.
i descend the stairs and knock on a door.
grandma, i call out, blouse cradled carefully in my arms. grandma, my button fell off.
a dimly lit room greets me.
the air is somewhat stale; the room is quiet—stagnant, even.
it’s a harsh reminder that grandma is no longer here.
i look at the makeshift altar we’ve placed on her desk and take a seat in her favourite chair, barely sinking into the stiff pillow she used as a cushion.
grandma my button fell off, i say to her photo. it's her portrait from her 90th birthday celebration. i don’t know how to fix it.
last night i had a dream that nothing bad had happened. i was 23, graduating, and she was still here. she was going to fix the button that fell off my favourite blouse, then i’ll tell her all about how i got a good grade for my graduating thesis—how i was dealing with my internship and still finding a job. i’d tell her i still don’t have a boyfriend, but i’m going birdwatching with my friends at the end of august so it’s fine.
then i’ll tell her how graduation is in november and i’ll get her a ticket again this time. dad’s best friend is buying me the dress i’d wear under my toga and we’ll have a nice dinner again; just like my high school one.
so i woke up this morning, thinking it was all real, and grabbed my blouse to tell her my button fell off, can she help me fix it?
“grandma i miss you,” i murmur, standing up to leave.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
this year marks 3 years since all of my grandmothers died in the span of half a year. i still struggle with the grief, but the world is beautiful and there are many sights to see and people to love, so i guess i will keep here for now and navigate the complex world of being a girl in her early 20s.
here is a song that has been stuck in my mind for a while now.