an unwelcome dream, a premonition
tomorrow, i'm going to the hospital for a long-awaited, long-delayed ultrasound. seven years of annual check ups; annual observations to see if there’s another cyst growing in my reproductive system that hasn’t been quite like itself in the last handful of years1.
over the weekend, i had two hair-raising dreams.
saturday, october 18th: an unwanted pregnancy out of nowhere. one that felt too real even though i knew it wasn’t possible (i haven’t even held hands with a boy, much less had sex). there’s a ball of anxiety that i feel even through the shifting universe of my dream. for some reason, the streets of makati burst into flames. i hold my aching, barely-there, stomach. i wake up when my dad shakes me awake. what time are you waking up? i have to go to my optometrist. something about my OCT tests needing to be read by the retina specialist.
sunday, october 19th: i’m at the cafe in the hospital, anxiously waiting for the results of my ultrasound. i get them. everything is a haze except for the results. there’s medical jargon i don’t understand. something about the way my uterus is positioned; the surgically absent left ovary, the normal cervix. the weight, a ring of fire, the doppler whatever. nothing makes sense except for the one thing. malignant tumour. i am crying in my dream until my alarm at 6:50am goes off. i go back to sleep. i don’t wake up until 8:30am. i ask my aunt and my uncle if they were able to taste the homemade ice cream i’d made. they say no, because my dad’s stomach started rumbling and he had to go take a shit.
i go to the grocery and buy ingredients for scones i want to make on wednesday, refreshing my email to see if my healthcare provider extended my letter of authorisation.
a few months ago, i dreamt i had cancer. another night before that dream, i had a dream i was ill. then there was the three consecutive nights where there was this strange air of death that hung around the hallways of my unconscious mind. a ghost of a lover whose soul was slowly being corrupted because i begged him to stay; an unsettling, shadowy figure in my dream who killed the person i was with; an invisible force stabbing me repeatedly.
i’ve had dreams that made their way into reality. mundane things, like a premonition of a conversation i’ll have with gabby, or a vague feeling of deja-vu while standing in the fourth floor of a mall my family frequents. sometimes, i even dream small accidents, like when my hand touched the hot grill of my oven.
on friday, i turn 25. i will be seven years older than i thought i ever would be. for once, i’m looking forward into the future instead of simply existing. i have plans for next year. concrete plans that involve tickets being booked and passports being readied.
i wonder if everything will come cascading down tomorrow; if my dreams have been quiet premonitions all this time. a slow build up over the course of the year.
a simple you’re dying just when life had gotten good enough that i can now look up and into the future.
in the first month of 2018, i laid in the hospital bed in the pediatrics section of the emergency room, suddenly remembering the story in an old chicken soup for the teenage soul book i’d been given. a girl who was struggling with depression and suicidal ideation was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst (or was it cancer? i can’t quite remember now). i had just had an ultrasound done. it was my nth visit to the emergency room that month, with a chief complaint of vomiting and abdominal pain. my doctors couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with me.
the results from the ultrasound came back.
i had a cyst. roughly the size of a golf ball. it sat in my left ovary.
i laid there, looking at the fluorescent white lights of that emergency room, thinking about the random girl from my chicken soup for the teenage soul book. how strange it felt to remember her story at the exact same time as i found out why i had been in so much pain for the entirety of january.
today, i lay in my bed, the same old health related anxiety bubbling in my chest. i’ve had the occasionally sharp and stabbing pain in my stomach during my period lately. i’ve felt fuller so much more this month, to the point where i only had a small breakfast yesterday but remained full until dinner (and even then, i was barely hungry). when my dog goes to lie down on my stomach, there’s a weird throbbing sensation by my belly button, just a little bit above my old scars.
i wonder if it’s just the anxiety.
on friday, i turn 25.
but before that is the hospital and the cold waiting room of the women’s health centre on the second floor. two hours of waiting for test results.
i wonder what my dreams mean. if they mean anything at all.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
a song as always.
it's been a while. i honestly wish i had more to say down here, but really i'm just nervous & spiraling & can't think of anything worthwhile to say.
ps: i can't believe phan is real. that's crazy.
✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
i was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome/disease in 2022, after having my period thrice in a month. if you can, please go get yourselves checked if you notice anything strange about your cycles!↩