a life lived diligently
two weeks ago, i had an existential crisis so bad, i had to take a leave from work. it was my first ever leave since joining the company in late february. i spent the evening rolling my thoughts around in the darkness of my room.
i started doing a lot of new things recently.
- getting back into kpop
- using actives in my skincare routine to curb my adult acne
- mat pilates at home (i’ve been trying to do them daily, but it’s hard. some days just feel harder than others)
- trying to lose weight healthily (a point proven difficult by my bulimia that’s graduated to restrictive eating (i barely have any full meals))
- watching new kdrama to fill up my empty days
about the last point: i recently watched because this is my first life. in the show, we meet ji-ho, a 30 something who gave up on her dream to face reality. the show is lighthearted and funny for most part, but there’s a line that stuck to me like glue.
chasing dreams is something only the rich can afford.
or something like that.
my family isn’t doing terribly financially. i think we live a very comfortable life. yet, for some strange reason, it feels like i have given up on my dream. i haven’t written anything seriously in two years. writing in magazines is now more of a fantasy than anything.
every time i see a job listing for being a magazine writer, i get anxious. i want to do it, but also am i good enough?
when did these minor things begin bogging me down? just four years ago, i was full of hope with a newsletter that i tried to update regularly. now, my decade-and-some long dream of being an author is nothing but a bitter reminder of someone i could have been.
gabby told me that it’s okay not to be anything big in your 20s.
but what about after your 20s? what if i’m still not much then?
is living diligently really all there is to my life?
i work, sleep, eat, get my paycheck, buy my silly little books and my silly little kpop merch, and repeat.
recently, i met a family friend’s sister. she’s into kpop just like me, even though she’s in her fifties.
“i got into it at first to connect with my son. it’s so hard being the parent of a teenager, you can never understand them.”
it sort of felt like i was looking into a mirror to the future.
she told me to travel while i’m young. to go try for a masters program abroad. her staff is going to korea for one. she tells me to experience everything and anything while my body is light and young.
“you have your whole life ahead of you.”
i have friends who have made peace with their lives; the steady flow of their 20s and their career, and the normalcy of it all.
but there is something in me that claws and claws and claws at bloody and worn down walls—at a landscape long forgotten.
it feels like people are moving forward with their lives, but i’m still stuck at the same place i was when i was 18, choosing a college degree that will change the trajectory of my life.
i had bigger dreams as a teenager. i wanted to do things—get out more; live a little differently than how my 15 year old self did. instead, i became the type of person who waits for her paycheck twice a month and does a little dance when it gets credited into her account.
instead, all i ended up becoming was nothing. i am still the same as i was when i was 15. i wonder if that’s a good thing?
for now, though, it seems that living a diligent life is enough.
but for how long will that be sufficient? how long will living like this be alright until the goat inside me begins to bleat and rear its greedy head again?
i was born in the year of the golden dragon. my chinese name is composed of the same two words—金金. it was given to me in hopes of luck and wealth.
the chinese horoscope tells me i’m destined for greatness and good fortune.
will that happen once this anxiety washes away? once this fear dissipates in my chest and i become brave enough to take that first step?
i’m 24 this year. is it not too late?
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
brat girl summer is not happening to me, i fear.
also, the bullet points are cuter in my gdoc. i made them little stars.
a song as always.